The Journal of a Middle Aged Family Man and His Novel in Progress

The Journal of a Middle Aged Family Man and His Novel in Progress
The Guilty Party

A Bit About Me

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Alan Hutcheson aka Plumboz
I am a writer with one novel so far (please see link to the right!), a gardener with a spotty history of success, a guitarist with a large vocabulary of chords and no place to use them, a father with two fantastic kids, and a husband blessed with a lovely and quite tolerant wife. Life is a blessing. Even the crappy stuff.
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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Papa, My Father

I have just finished reading Papa, My Father, by Leo Buscaglia. The book was copyrighted in 1989, which makes it just over twenty years old. I have had it on my bookshelf for just a few years, prior to that it was at my sister's home and before that it belonged to our father. I think it was a Father's Day gift to him, but I honestly don't recall if it was me or my sister who gave it to him and there is no inscription in the front to help. That in itself is a clue that I was not the source. I was, and am, usually pretty good about putting a little something in gifted books, perhaps I have been practicing in case I ever find myself seated at a large folding table stacked high with copies of a book I have written, facing a line of readers, each of them eager to have me sully a copy or three with a sincere, personal note dashed off with one of the dozens of Sharpies my publicist has supplied me with. But in this book there was no "Happy Father's Day, 1989, Love Alan" , just one of those address labels one receives unsolicited from various charities stuck to the inside cover which identified Dad as the owner. That's what he used those labels for. I suppose the book could have even come from our mother; she was, as I recall, a fan of Buscaglia's, never missing the programs he had on PBS in the 80's.


The book is short, just 125 pages long, with a fair portion of those pages devoted to full page quotations from personages mostly recognizable to me (I've no idea who Carey Winfrey is or was, but his quote, which is the first to appear, reassured me greatly concerning the relative unimportance of father-son games of catch in assessing parental success.). But its impact is, I think, substantial. Buscaglia tells us much about his father, much about himself, and much about a life well lived. A life that had little in the way of what we would consider advantages, nothing in the way of a sense of entitlement, and much that illustrates the maxim You Get Out of Life What You Put Into It. What Leo's papa put into his life was his heart, his full attention, his willingness, no his earnest need, to learn and grow, and his wide-eyed wonder at the world and all its wonders, which he found every day, around every corner, and very especially in his own home and garden.


I will be reading Papa, My Father again. I need reminders like that on a regular basis.

Oh, and here is one of the quotes from the book. This one is from J.B. Priestly. Him I've heard of.

"To show a child what has once delighted you, to find a child's delight added to your own, so that there is now a double delight seen in the glow of trust and affection. This is happiness."

I like that.


Go Ye Forth and Do Likewise.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All those Stillborn Manuscripts

 
I am sure that anyone here who fits into the Author column of life has had this conversation. The fact escapes that you are a writer. Almost inevitably the other party says, "Wow, so you've written a book?" "Guilty as charged." "You know, I've thought about doing that, you know, writing a book." "Uh-huh."

With the ease of e-publishing and companies like iUniverse and Authorhouse and YouBetchaWe'llPublishAnything* out there, the landscape, as well as the sky and that vast, seemingly unfillable space known as The Internet (or is it The Web? I can never get those two straight.) is brimming with literary masterpiece after literary masterpiece. Most of those masterpieces are, truth be told, really, really bad. But they keep getting cranked out and their authors keep bellowing for our attention. I can say this with immunity since I'm one of the bellowers.

But think for a moment--and just a moment, since doing it any longer will likely hurt and just may cause damage--about all of the books that never get written. My conservative estimate is that for every vampire chronicles tome tossed into the sunshine (poor thing), at least three or four hundred lie moldering in their creators' mental attics, never getting past the "Wow, what a great idea!" stage.

A part of me feels this is a shame. Chances are there are at least two or three really fine books that will never be written just because their intellectual property owners never place butt in chair and do the necessary paperwork.

But the rest of me is okay with this situation.


*I understand they have done very well with Ms. Palin's memoir.

Go Ye Forth and Do Likewise.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Reviews for Boomerang

Boomerang has been getting some nice reviews on Smashwords. And I am very happy to report that it is currently the Number Four Bestseller on Smashwords All Time List.

Here is what four readers have to say about it.

Maybe we'll do a recipe next time. I made a really good roast the other day, a rare accomplishment for me. Pun intended.

Here are the reviews!

Review by: Jessica Goedtel on Jan. 01, 2010 : star star star star star
Loved this book! Hutcheson does a great job creating a host of wacky characters all after the same object. I really enjoyed seeing all of the different plot lines and watching them all converge. I will definitely be recommending this one!

Review by: Bill on Dec. 21, 2009 : star star star star star
Alan Hutcheson has writen a wonderfully fun tale that will keep you reading all night. Ted and Jerry make a unique team on the hunt for a strange relic once owned by a super powerful Washingtom lawman; and if thats not enough they have a crossbow wielding albino after them to keep them from slowing down. The characters are weird and entertaining they will make you laugh. I can't wait for Alan's next book.

Review by: Donna Rail on Dec. 20, 2009 : star star star star
This very funny book had great characters and a fast-moving plot. The reader is led to wonder what could possibly be so special about the title object. A madcap quest takes the various groups of people closer and closer to the goal. Each of them will have very different reasons. Messed-up hotels, dodgy cars, and a slew of other details makes this novel seem like it could happen to you. I loved this book. It would make a great movie, too.

Review by: dreams on Nov. 20, 2009 : star star star star star
Great fun from start to finish. The various antics of the characters had me laughing out loud as I visualized the situations. I loved following the old lady sisters, Amelia and Doreen (they were so real that I could almost hear their conversations) and Ted and Jerry (that guy had more stuff he was into than poor Ted could keep up with). If that wasn't enough, add in the alphabet soup of government agencies and “the clothing optional former onion festival queen". I had no idea how it was going to end and couldn't wait to find out. This will definitely be on my to-be-read-again list.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Investment Opportunity of a Lifetime!

A few years ago I squandered several hundred dollars in order to bring my novel out into the light of day. I had spent a decade or so--on and off, but still, a lot of time--in creating it, a couple of years and lots of paper and postage in attracting an agent who would shop it to the big publishers, and another couple of years getting nice emails from my agent with the latest "We loved it but have no idea what to do with it" rejections from those big publishers. Confident that all it needed was a cover, a photo of Your Truly and a spot on Amazon.com, I did the self-publishing thing through iUniverse and in the course of the next few years came within almost several hundred dollars of recouping my investment. In other words ROI was nothing to brag about to the accounting department (wife) or shareholders (rest of family).

Then, a bit over a year ago came an opportunity with a nice UK writers' site I have frequented to have Do-Overs. And Do-Overs without several hundred dollars involved. So I gave the book a polish, changed a few things that seemed to need changing, including the title (Boomerang), and so far the ROI is on the positive side. Cool.

But I have recently been approached by iUniverse with a marketing idea that is what only can be called Sure Fire and I Want To Share It With You!

Here is the entire copy of the correspondence I received from Sheryll Gomez, Marketing Guru and Millionaire Creater Extraordinaire at iUniverse:


Does your book have Hollywood potential? 

You worked hard on your manuscript and took the necessary steps to have it published. Now, you can see your work come to life in a live-action Hollywood Book Trailer.  With professional actors and Hollywood producers, your video will be a high-quality piece that you will be proud to show off.

In addition, We  will submit your work to a professional agent who will review your Hollywood Book Trailer and decide whether to represent it to movie production studios and other entertainment companies.  The agent has been responsible for selling such books to film to studios such as NBC Universal , Time Warner, Lionsgate, Sony and many many more.”


With a Hollywood Book Trailer, you get:

  • 60 to 90 second custom-made, live-action Hollywood Book Trailer
  • A review by a professional film agent
  • Placement of your book trailer on multiple well-known sites, including YouTube, Metacafe, DailyMotion, and your book details page in the Xlibris webpage
  • A single targeted e-mail campaign with a link to your Hollywood Book Trailer distributed to 1,000,000 potential customers
  • A press release with a link to your Hollywood Book Trailer
  • A social media marketing set-up of sites like Facebook, WordPress, MySpace, Flickr, to name a few, where your Hollywood Book Trailer will either be embedded or provided a link to
  • Web streaming capability and high-quality video downloads

Hollywood Book Trailers make a compelling addition to your press releases, social media sites, and personal web sites.  You will own all the rights to your Hollywood Book Trailer and will be provided with the final video file to share with readers, friends, and family and include in your marketing materials.  In the competitive marketplace, a Hollywood Book Trailer will catch buyers’ attention and make your book stand out in the crowd!

*Hollywood Book Trailers work best for promoting mystery, action, suspense and drama pieces.  Science fiction, historical novels, poetry, cookbooks and children’s books may not work as well.  Please consult with your Marketing Consultant to determine if a Hollywood Book Trailer is right for your work.

The value for the Hollywood Book Trailer is $19,999 but I can give it for you for only $16,999.15 so you save up to $2,999.85. Great savings right. This promotion is only up until December 30, 2009. A great way to end the year by getting this Hollywood Book Trailer.

This service is available in payment installment options using credit or debit card with a one-time $30 processing fee paid in a 30-day increment.


If you have further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me by phone or by e-mail.  


Best regards,


Sheryll Gomez
Marketing Consultant
iUniverse, Inc.




So, for those of you who have the foresight to see the enormous profit potential of such an endeavor, here is your opportunity to become a part of a World Wide Phenomenon. Yes, you can proudly tell your friends and associates that you are a Producer of the Book Trailer for Close Enough for Government Work (aka Boomerang), with a minimal investment of just four thousand dollars. Once we have the right number of investors in place production will commence, including a musical production number that has come to me in a vision and is sure to make this Sure Fire Idea into Something Even Better. Picture, if you will, the classic spectacle that is "Springtime for Hitler", but with J.Edgar Hoover leading the ensemble. Bethie can be the head chorus girl. The world will flock. Yes, it will flock. It won't be able to help itself from flocking!

And you will become rich! Fabulously rich! Insanely rich! Obscenely rich! Ooh, how cool will that be?



So don't delay, send your check immediately. This opportunity won't last long! Once we've reached our limit of twenty investors, the door to this Pathway to Wealth and Power will be closed!




One other idea that springs to mind is a more modest investment of about ten dollars for the paperback of Boomerang or just a couple of bucks for the ebook edition


Whether you pick the path to sure riches (four thousand) or sure entertainment (ten or two), be assured you are making one author very happy indeed!










Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sometimes the Best Advice Comes From the Least Likely Source: Our Own Darned Self






Carpe Your Own Diem, Buddy!



Several days ago a young woman at work was saying that she would just as soon the holiday season be over and done with. Not her favorite time of year. She didn't elaborate on what it is about November/December that she doesn't like, but my guess is at least some of her reasons are very much along the lines of It's Too Long; It's Too Commercialized; and All the Stores (including, unfortunately, the excellent establishment that employs us both) Play Godawful Music. If so, then let's face it, she's right on all counts.

I know very well what it is to face with dread that chunk of the year that for some reason we call The Holiday Season. As someone who has paid the mortgage and put food on the table by working in the retail industry the phrase "holiday season" is one hell of a misnomer. For decades, for me it meant six or seven day work weeks, long hours on those days, early openings, late closings, customers screaming at me because a small child's Christmas will be ruined because a product is out of stock, and a predictable percentage of employee absence, tardiness and theft. Like my young coworker I couldn't wait for it to be over either.

So why, when confronted with "I can't wait for the holidays to be over." from a lovely, intelligent young woman, didn't I just nod my head in empathetic harmony? Why did I feel the need to bring her round to a more positive frame of mind? Why did I trot out my own personal version of Carpe Diem/Smell the Roses/All We've Got is Today So Look for the Blasted Silver Lining on her?

I'm not really sure, but even if my attempt to get her to see that each of us is responsible for how we approach not just each season, but each day, hour and moment, didn't make any sort of impression on her (I hope she didn't just see it as Old Man Babbling On, but there is that distinct possibility) I am quite selfishly glad I did it. Why? Because I needed the reminder myself. Heck, I need it a lot. I've known for a long time the value of time and energy and how what we do with each is perhaps the biggest factor in creating the life well-lived. I know the importance of not squandering these finite assets in wasteful pursuits. And I know one of the most wasteful pursuits is that of Waiting For This to Be Over So The Good Stuff Can Start. Well, the Good Stuff shows up when it darned well pleases, following nobody's calendar and calling ahead to announce its arrival time just about never at all. So we need to be ready for it. Maybe even create a bit of it for somebody else so it knows it will have company. That's a good thing that usually doesn't require Waiting.

I know all these things but am I good at incorporating them into my own life? Not so much. I grumble; I look forward to end-of-shift; I wish for cool weather when it's hot and warm weather when it's cold and blustery; I see the future as the place where the good stuff happens and the present as a swamp I've got to slog my way through. Too often I can't wait for tomorrow because today is whupping my butt or boring or just not what I wanted it to be.

So I would like to thank her for expressing her self-admitted Scroogified attitude and in doing so giving me an opportunity to lecture myself by bouncing it off of her. We all needs the ol' whack-upside-the-head sometimes, and every once in a while the best hand to administer the whack is at the end of our own arm.


Go Ye Forth and Do Likewise

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Ted and Jerry Christmas Story

I would love to hear any and all ideas for a title. In the meantime, I hope you like "A Ted and Jerry Christmas Story"



A Ted and Jerry Christmas Story
by
Alan Hutcheson


It was a busy intersection, with traffic rushing through and three of the four corners bustling with commerce. On two of the corners stood grocery stores, shoppers swarming in with lists and hustling out with ingredients for holiday dinners and parties. On the third corner was a home improvement superstore, half of its big parking lot filled with cars, the other half brimming with Christmas trees and people. Huge, fluttering banners on the fence surrounding the lot proclaimed Guaranteed Lowest Prices& Biggest Selection. Brilliant lights were strung from tall poles, and atop the poles were speakers booming dance versions of holiday tunes.

On the fourth corner was a much smaller tree lot occupying a portion of the parking lot that had served half a dozen small shops, all of them shuttered and with For Lease signs in their windows. Approaching that corner, not in a car, but on a bicycle, were two men. The man pedaling was very large,not very happy looking, and had a guitar case slung across his back. The other, not nearly so large man, was unencumbered by any package, which was good as he was sitting on the handlebars, swaying side to side, swinging his feet back and forth and singing "All I Want for Christmas" at the top of his lungs.

The large man bobbed his head from side to side, trying to find the right counter rhythm to the smaller man's swaying, which was making it difficult for him to see ahead for more than a second at a time.

As they drew alongside the little tree lot, the man on the handlebars raised his voice even louder, in gleeful competition with the speakers across the street, but he was cut short when the front wheel of the bike hit a fragment of pine tree stump on the sidewalk, stopping the bike suddenly and sending him tumbling. He landed next to a beautiful noble fir. When he looked up he saw a young boy next to the tree. The boy was not looking at him, but rather at the large man, who had barely kept himself and the bicycle upright and who was now inspecting the guitar case, which had swung around in front of him.

"Jerry, you idiot!" the man growled. "You're lucky nothing happened to her." He gently eased the guitar case back behind him. "You can walk the rest of the way.' But when he tried to push off on the bike, he found that the front wheel was bent. "Gah!"

"Are you okay?" a woman was standing next to the boy, holding his hand and looking down at Jerry.

"Yeah, sure," said Jerry. He stood and inspected his light jacket, which was ripped near the elbow on both sleeves. He followed the gaze of the little boy. "Don't worry, he's harmless."

"I think he's looking at the guitar," said the boy's mother. The boy nodded slightly, his gaze fixed on the instrument case. "His father used to play." She looked back at a man who was holding a tree out for a young couple to inspect. They shook their heads and went back to their car.

"Hey, Ted," said Jerry, "how about a tune for the kid?"

"No, thank you," said Ted. "I've got a broken bike to carry all the way home, thanks to you." He lifted the front of the bike off the sidewalk and tried to spin the wheel, which wobbled and caught against the forks.

"I can fix that," said the father, who had come over to the fence.

"I don't want to bother you," said Ted.

"It's not like I've got anything else to do," the father said. He gave his wife a rueful smile.

"See?" said Jerry. "He said he can fix it."

"I heard him." Ted lifted the bike with one hand. "You're still not getting any more rides." He carried it inside the tree lot.

The father took a look at the wheel. "Make yourself comfortable," he said, nodding at some hay bales. Then he took the bike behind a trailer sitting at the back of the lot.

Ted sat, placing the guitar case across his lap. Jerry began wandering among the rows of trees.

"Don't you love the smell?" Jerry said, practically burying his face in a Fraser fir. He sneezed loudly.

"Idiot," muttered Ted, noticing too late that the little boy had come to sit next to him. "Not you," he said to the boy. The boy just stared at the guitar case. "You like guitars?" The boy nodded. "Me too. You want to see her?"

The boy's eyes widened. He didn't nod or say anything, but it was clear that he would very much like to see the guitar. Ted opened the case. The boy looked at the instrument, its honey-golden body and dark neck, intricate inlays on the fretboard and gold plated knobs and pickups.

"Play him something," called Jerry, still checking out the trees.

"I don't know any kid's tunes," said Ted.

"He likes Christmas songs," said the mother, who had come back with two mugs of coffee. Ted accepted one of the mugs, took a sip, then put the case on the ground in front of him and took out the guitar.

Ted strummed a couple of chord, then closed his eyes, as if to shut out the world, especially the canned music coming from across the street, and began to play "Silent Night". His huge hands, which seemed to be too thick, too clumsy of construction to negotiate the six closely spaced strings, moved over the fretboard with the grace and unpredictable but purposeful delicacy of butterflies touching down on a bank of flowers, extracting the sweetness of each blossoming note, then rising and touching down again and again.

The mother sat next to her son. He climbed on her lap and she wrapped her arms around him and began to sing. Although Ted made slight changes, added little embellishments with each repeat, she followed easily, holding her son, her own eyes closed as she sang.

As they began the last verse "Silent night, holy night, Son of God, love's pure light" the boy nudged his mother and she opened her eyes to see her husband standing there, the repaired bicycle at his side. The other sounds of the intersection had seemed to fade to almost nothing, a distant hum of activity. As Ted strummed the final chord Jerry's voice came from the rows of unsold trees.

"I don't know, how much do you think it should be?"

They all looked in Jerry's direction. He was standing at the end of a row, holding a tree out for an old man to inspect.

"It doesn't matter," said the old man. "I've got no money to buy a tree. I just heard the music and thought I would come have a look. Remember better times."

He turned and went back to the parking lot. But when he got to the old sedan, he opened the trunk, took out a battered guitar case and came back to Ted. "This belonged to my best friend. We got together every Christmas and played carols for the neighbors. Just strolling down the street, Sam on his guitar and me on my fiddle. Used to drive the wives crazy sometimes." He smiled for a moment. "Sam died three years ago. Lottie, that's his widow, gave his guitar to me. I'm ashamed to say I was going to sell it. But it looks like the music shop isn't here anymore." He stood there for a moment, as if studying Ted. "I'd like you to have it. It's got a lot of music left in it and the way you play I know it'll be in good hands."

He opened the case to reveal an old acoustic guitar, the soundboard almost worn through around the pickguard. "He called her Frankie," he said. "Never told anybody why, including me."

"Sarah's the jealous kind," said Ted, his arms enveloping the golden instrument on his lap. "But if Frankie's looking for a new home, you brought her to the right place." He nodded at the father. "Jerry, hold the bike."

Jerry took the bicycle and the old man handed the guitar to the father. He held it high, close to his ear, plucked a single string with his thumb and nodded. But he handed the guitar back to the old man.

"She's beautiful," he said. "But I can't give you anything for her."

"But if he's giving it away," said the mother.

"We don't take handouts," said the father.

"You weren't just going to give it to him," said Jerry. "Were you?"

"Ahh," said the old man. "Actually I―"

"Nah," said Jerry. "He was talking a trade. One guitar for one tree."

"My Marian would like a tree," said the old man. "And Frankie sure is tired of sitting in that case all the time."

"I don't know," said the father.

"We have a lovely noble right over there," said the mother. "It needs a home too."

"Then it's a deal," said the old man.

The father took the guitar once more. Ted played an open string and the father tuned the old guitar to the honey gold Sarah. Ted began to play "Silent Night " again and the father joined in, strumming chords tentatively at first, and then with more assurance. When he looked up briefly the old man was gone. But coming from the parking lot, by where the old sedan had been, came the sound of a violin, playing "Silent Night" along with the guitars. As if drawn in by the music, came cars into the parking lot; and out of the cars came people. Families and young couples and friends. And they gathered around the music and sang and then they bought trees. All of the trees on the lot.

Except the noble fir. It was already gone.




Go Ye Forth and Do Likewise

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Kreativ Blogging Award



Hey, I've Gotten an Award!

Incredible though it may seem, Sketches by Plumboz has received the coveted Kreativ Blogger Award. This prestigious award involves a substantial amount of cash, to be paid to my descendants in irregular installments as determined by the cast of "30 Rock", dinner at the White House with Dick Cheney (date to be chosen from among "President and Family Not In Residence" dates on White House calendar), and a guest spot on a repeat episode of "Montel Williams Cooks Thai!".

Naturally, an award with such special and profitable consequences has a string or two attached. I have to expose seven things about myself that are not general knowledge, and I need to recommend seven other worthy blogs.

So, here goes.

1.  I like the music of Gary Lewis and the Playboys

2.  My shoulders are not even

3.  I played Geoffrey, the middle son of Henry II in a college production of "Lion in Winter" and I did not look too terrible in those damned itchy woolen leggings we had to wear. Just terrible enough for people to comment.

4.  I can't get my lawn to look good no matter what I do.

5.  I like cloudy days.

6.  I live in the sunniest metropolitan area in the country (Phoenix) Okay, so that's not really a little known fact, but let's face it, my life is an open book. With highlighted paragraphs and dogeared pages.

7.  I make really good waffles.

Wow, that was tough and not a little embarrassing. But it's over, so now we'll move on to Seven Blog Worth Your Time.







7.  Anthony Bourdain  I think he would especially like to be awarded the Kreativ Blogger badge of honor.



Go Ye Forth and Do Likewise!